im at school in the library. fun fun. Steven just found my journal. dun dun dun. i dont want to be one of those people you can find on live journal just by clicking on random friends lists. who knows what weirdos are going to read this ( not saying stevens a weirdo) ive been thinking alot lately , about cutting. i really want to at times. i can hear the blood screaming to pour out of me leaving me in a lucid sleep. i always doze off after i cut, i feel so worn out. so tattered. i must admitt i saw bonnies arm the other day and i kinda missed my arm being like that. i thought to my self wow she must be so serene. i dont know bonnie though. she's elusive. i dont think ill everget the oppurtunity to meet her. its a shame, she seems very...real i suppose. So me and Matt are still dating. i dunno why i said that i hate when ppl write every little detail of their day in here, like i went to the store and outside i stepped on pink bubblegum. my shoe was resistent to come back up so ihad to apply some force but aeventually the gum was removed, just pointless stuff like that. who wants to know that? i certainly dont. the only peo[ple whos journals i read normally are ryahs bonnies stevens (shhh its a secret) sams and jakes. sam and jaske its just a nice way of keeping up with whats going on in thier life since i dont see them any more. im beginning to realize how little friends i have at lamar. i suppose its fine. i have no need for earthly things. the only thing i want is freedom from what i feel are puppet strings. people can control me so easily. i feel like i just scream out come manipulate me its easy have funn watch her porceilin skin shatter. i really need to stop letting people get to me but its very hard. all my life ive been the kid whos been picked on. sometimes i just get tired of it. im either made fun of for being different or ugly or the same or any thing these selfish people can think of. i suppose in a way i pity them. they have to belittle other people to actually feel good aboput them selves. im trying to understand why people hate me. i think the fact of the matter is im just a jealous self centered lying bitch. lol so simply put. i wonder if any ones going to read this. i cant imagine people reading my journal. i need to start putting personal things in here . im going to start using this journal as a release, a place to vent, so pardon me if i behgin to sound selfish. in all reality almost every ones self centered. ive never met a person who wasnt. some peopl ejust show it more than others. im not sure people work in weird ways. im starting to miss doing drugs to,. i miss my ambien and mily white vicodin, lipstick red seconals, tunial bullet capsules. i miss them all. they were my escape from this wretched thing you call reality. im beginning to face it now though, reality that is. people dont like me, end of story. im considering flying solo for a while but i dont want to hurt matt any more, i still like him very much biut im just not the best person date. im not very healthy....im not very alive. there used to laughter in my smiles, now their silent. if i even do smile. my lips are so used to being in a straight line, shopwing no emotion. id die at school with out my cd player. i get to pretend i dont hear people if they call me. i get to escape. i love my music. oh i jusdt thought of the word i wanted to use to describe bonnie, she's vert intruiging and perplexing. johns a very lucky guy to haqve some one like that. theyd keep life from geting dull. i was lookign through jphns journal and i saw the painting he did of him anhd bonnie, its amazing, he's so talented. i listened to one of his songs from the linj on Bonnies journal. i havwe it on repeat in my room now. its alot better then The Cures version.